This morning I was reminded about my tendency (still) to reject, rather than accept, my current experience.
In the moment, I accepted what was happening, but afterwards, I felt acute hatred towards what had occurred. I noticed myself blaming someone else (my husband) for my uncomfortable experience, yet when I journaled around it, I realized that there is no blame.
There was only the experience.
Still, I didn’t want it. I hated it. It was excruciatingly uncomfortable. It wasn’t what I would’ve chosen for myself. It kept me from other, more desirable experiences. It stood between me and peace. Or at least that’s what I told myself.
Now, I’ve spent a lot of time learning to accept “what is” for what it is. I’m generally okay with my experiences as they show up in my life. Or as they “arise in my field of experience,” as one of my spiritual teachers would say. I can handle a wide range of emotions in myself and others. I accept others as they are. I’m aware of when I want someone to show up for me in a certain way, and I’ve learned to let go of that wanting.
Thankfully, I learned these skills in many years of therapy.
I can also go with the flow and switch gears quite easily. I’m not usually attached to any particular outcome. I am usually pretty clear, observant and aware of what’s going on for me – both internally and around me in my life. And, as I said, I can usually stay with whatever shows up for me in my life.
The area where I’m most challenged is when I feel others’ heavy energies in my own energy field. I’ve discovered that I’m empathic, and for me, this experience is like being crowded and suffocated by many sweaty bodies in a New York subway car. It’s obviously an area of my existence that still requires exploration and inquiry because I have so many strong feelings and so much resistance to it.
What I hate is having to stop what I’m doing to offload these unwanted energies to Mother Earth (who I’ve learned will take it – whatever it is).
I hate feeling like I have no choice in the matter. (Really I do have a choice: either to walk around feeling smothered or consciously let this energy go.)
Probably what I hate the most is feeling like a victim. Like I have no power over when this happens to me. And that is about attachment and control, and the need for better boundaries.
This experience of unwittingly receiving others’ energies has happened enough times in my life to make me detest it. I often can’t stop it when it occurs. It feels to me like others are looking to get rid of their stuff, and for some reason, it comes into my field, like water blasting at me from a fire hose. I’ve noticed that this usually happens when I let my guard down. When I am, as I was this morning – unconscious. I had been asleep and was just beginning to wake up when I became aware of my uncomfortably littered field, and my husband hugging me hard. I remembered that last night he was in a bad mood – probably missing his mother who recently passed away. While this is my story, it’s how it all seemed and felt to me.
I’ve found there’s often truth in feelings as an empath. But honestly, I don’t know for sure what was going on for him. And – I can only work with me.
So here I am, working with myself, practicing the art of “self-study,” as they say in yoga. I am curious about my experience and my strong feelings. There’s only one place for me to go: more deeply within.
Because I have learned that what shows up teaches me about myself. And that I can take what is being shown to me and work with it, or not.
I choose the former. This is my life and this is how I choose to live it: consciously – maybe not always joyously – but always with curiosity.